🔍 Mr. Magoo
Bob Calabretta
In tennis, we rely on the honor system. A player calls the lines, and we trust that call reflects reality. But what happens when revenge clouds a man's vision? When the desire to settle a score turns a ball that was "in by a mile" into a phantom fault? This year, we witnessed the most egregious revenge call in league history when one player, channeling his inner Mr. Magoo, called Henvey's shot out — a shot so clearly in that NASA could have tracked it from orbit. For his commitment to alternative facts, I present this year's MR. MAGOO award to Bob Calabretta.
🌿 Call to the Vapepen
Chris Monteleone
When you need a sub, you call the group chat. When the group chat fails, you call your contacts. When your contacts fail, you apparently call whatever Jeff Spicoli-looking dude happens to be wandering past your house. One player took the concept of "substitution" to new lows this season by inviting a man who had never played in the league, never met anyone in the league, and appeared to be three bong rips deep into his morning. For his dedication to filling a slot at any cost, I present this year's CALL TO THE VAPEPEN award to Chris Monteleone.
🎰 Slice is Right
SuperRon
Bob Barker once said, "Come on down!" But nobody told this player to come on down to the net. Why would he? When you've perfected the art of the slice — that low, skidding, maddening shot that never bounces above knee height — why would you ever hit anything else? Forehand? Slice. Backhand? Slice. Overhead? Believe it or not, slice. This man has turned one shot into an entire philosophy, a lifestyle, a religion. For his unwavering commitment to the most annoying shot in tennis, I present this year's SLICE IS RIGHT award to Super Ron.
🦕 The Luddite
Doug Schmidt
Last year, I joked that this player's racquet was purchased in 1779. I was being generous. After further carbon dating, we can confirm his equipment predates the Geneva Convention. While other men have embraced modern technology — lighter frames, larger sweet spots, actual strings — this man continues to wield what appears to be an artifact from the Eisenhower administration. For his ongoing commitment to playing tennis like it's still the Cuban Missile Crisis, I present this year's LUDDITE award to Doug Schmidt.
🥩 The Porterhouse: Lifetime Achievement
Coach
Some things in life are certain: death, taxes, and this player at The Palm every Thursday night. While lesser men might skip a steak dinner for league play, this man has his priorities in order. A 16-ounce bone-in ribeye waits for no man — certainly not his doubles partners. At this point, The Palm should name a booth after him. For his unwavering dedication to beef over backhand, I present the PORTERHOUSE: LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT award to Coach.
🔔 The Nutcracker
Rob Schetty
One player won "Best Technique" last year for his smooth strokes, soft hands, and elegant court presence. This year, he used that technique to destroy a man's future children. When his forehand connected with Tom Henvey's groin at approximately Mach 2, witnesses report Henvey dropped like a sack of potatoes and remained prostrate for a full ten minutes — long enough to serve out the set, check his email, and feel no remorse whatsoever. For this surgical strike on a man's dignity, I present this year's NUTCRACKER award to Rob Schetty.
🐦 The Canary (Chirping Hall of Fame)
Sal Marino
At what point does an award become a birthright? At what point do we stop giving a man a trophy and simply name the trophy after him? One player has now won the trash-talking award so many consecutive years that we've retired "Oscar the Grouch" and replaced it with something more fitting. Like a bird that cannot stop singing, this man chirps from the first serve to the last handshake. The early calls. The celebrations. The commentary. The unsolicited opinions on your backhand. I am not giving him another trophy — I am inducting him into the CHIRPING HALL OF FAME. Congratulations to this year's CANARY, Sal Marino.
📏 The Longest Yard
Sal Marino
Between points, loose balls accumulate. They roll to the fence. They drift into corners. They sit there, waiting for someone to pick them up before the next serve. This is where Sal Marino draws the line. During points? He'll chase anything. But the moment the point ends, a six-foot radius forms around him — a no-shag zone. A dead ball lands nearby, he looks at it, then looks away, as if they've never met. His partner jogs across the court to grab three balls while Sal stands at the baseline, racquet ready, conserving precious steps. For his unwavering refusal to shag a loose ball that isn't directly underfoot — and even then, it's 50/50 — I present this year's LONGEST YARD award to Sal Marino. The balls are right there, Sal.
🐺 Wolf of Broadway
Sal Marino
"Sell me this pen." That's what Jordan Belfort asked his trainees in The Wolf of Wall Street. But could Belfort sell a 5-pack of his worst sessions to an unsuspecting buyer? Apparently, yes — if that buyer is Lu Cortese. In a masterclass of salesmanship, one player managed to offload his least desirable matches onto Lu, convincing him these were premium sessions, exclusive opportunities, can't-miss tennis. Lu bought. Lu learned. For his ability to move garbage inventory like a penny-stock hustler, I present this year's WOLF OF BROADWAY award to Sal Marino. And Lu, call us before you sign anything.
👻 Snuffaluffagus: Dynasty Edition
Joe Bonventre
There are records that stand the test of time: DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak. Wilt's 100-point game. And one player's commitment to not showing up. For the third consecutive year, this man has achieved what most players cannot — complete invisibility. Did he sign up? Unclear. Did he play? No. Is he here tonight? Of course not. At this point, he is less a league member and more an urban legend, a man whose existence we can no longer verify. For his unprecedented three-peat of absence, I present the SNUFFALUFFAGUS: DYNASTY EDITION award to Joe Bonventre. Joe, if you're out there, you know where to find us. Actually, you clearly don't.
🌿 Cousin Spike II
Adam Feldman
Last year, we gave one player the Cousin Spike award for showing up 10 minutes late despite owning cars with sub-3-second 0-60 times. Did he learn? Did he adjust? Did he set an earlier alarm? Absolutely not. This year, he has doubled down — still 10 minutes late, still arriving looking like he just emerged from a Grateful Dead parking lot. At this point, we've stopped being annoyed and started being impressed by his consistency. For his continued dedication to being fashionably late and spiritually elevated, I present this year's COUSIN SPIKE II award to Adam Feldman.
🎯 "Are We Gonna Play This Way?"
Lu Cortese
Every league has its traditions. The handshake. The warmup. The post-match drink. And one player asking "Are we gonna play this way?" every single time someone hits a lob. This man, a player of refined tactical preferences, believes the lob is a coward's shot — a cheap trick unworthy of true competitors. Unfortunately for him, the rest of us disagree. So for another season of audible disgust at the most legal shot in tennis, I present this year's "ARE WE GONNA PLAY THIS WAY?" award to Lu Cortese. Yes, Lu. We are.
🥋 Cobra Kai
Cousin Sonny
In 1974, a young man named Daniel LaRusso learned karate from a wise mentor named Mr. Miyagi. "Wax on, wax off," he was told. One player apparently learned tennis the same way — from a 1970s martial arts VHS tape. His backhand defies physics, biomechanics, and the Geneva Convention. It is less a tennis stroke and more a defensive combat maneuver — part chop, part block, part spiritual awakening. For bringing the ancient art of Kung Fu to Court One, I present this year's COBRA KAI award to Cousin Sonny. Sweep the leg.
🏆 Golden Racquet
Tom Henvey
Running a men's doubles league is a thankless job. Scheduling. Substitutions. Complaints. Egos. Navigating the group chat like a diplomat in a war zone. This year, while I stepped back from league operations, one man stepped up — handling the logistics, managing the personalities, and keeping the whole thing from falling apart. He did this while also playing more sessions than anyone, taking every sub request, and somehow still showing up to crush forehands at people's midsections. For his leadership, dedication, and tireless service to this league, I am honored to present this year's GOLDEN RACQUET award to Tom Henvey. Thank you, Tommy.
🎾 Tennis Whore: Lifetime Achievement
Tom Henvey
Some men play tennis. One man IS tennis. For yet another year, this player has logged more court hours than most of us log at our actual jobs. He takes every session, subs into every open slot, and will play through injury, exhaustion, and the protests of his orthopedist. At this point, HIT should name a court after him — or at least give him a parking spot. For his continued dominance as the league's hardest charger and most prolific player, I present this year's TENNIS WHORE: LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT award to Tom Henvey.
🎒 Have Racquet, Will Travel
Connell Boyle
In 1957, Richard Boone starred in Have Gun, Will Travel — a Western about a gunslinger-for-hire who would show up anywhere in the territory at the drop of a telegram. Connell has spent the last three years building the tennis equivalent. Need a fourth? Connell is on his way. Need a fourth in twenty minutes? Connell is already in the parking lot. Was Connell actually signed up for this session, or did he stroll over from Total Tennis again because he saw four guys warming up and a Henvey rocket clipped the fence? Unclear. The man has now won so many awards for sub responsiveness that we've stopped giving him trophies and started giving him a Bat-Signal. For his continued service as the league's wandering swordsman — available to any captain in need at any hour, for the right price (free tennis) — I present this year's HAVE RACQUET, WILL TRAVEL award to Connell Boyle. Send him a telegram. He'll be there.
🎩 The Consigliere
Anthony Centrella
Every family needs a consigliere — the quiet advisor in the corner, working the angles, whispering counsel, never on the ballot but always in the room. In this league, that role has been filled, unofficially but unmistakably, by Anthony Centrella. Need a partner reshuffled? Anthony has a thought. Need a court reassigned? Anthony has a thought. Need someone subtly agitated into a controlled detonation by Wednesday morning? Anthony will handle it personally and you will not see his fingerprints anywhere. He doesn't want to run the league. He just wants to be in the room where it happens. For his quiet, persistent, deeply effective architecture of league politics, I present this year's CONSIGLIERE award to Anthony Centrella. Tell Pauly to bring the car around.
🦊 Crazy Like a Fox
Gavin Meier
In 1980s Little Italy, Vincent Gigante used to walk around in his bathrobe. He was the "Crazy Don" — a man who seemed unhinged, unpredictable, maybe a little touched. But here's the thing about him: he wasn't crazy. He was crazy like a fox — trying to beat a murder rap with an insanity plea. One player channels this same energy on the court. The muttering. The giggles. The thousand-yard stare. You think he's lost in his own world — until his second serve is past you before his first serve stops bouncing. Is he crazy? Maybe. Is he beating you 6-2 while you're still trying to figure out what just happened? Absolutely. For his masterful use of psychological chaos and the fastest serve in the league, I present this year's CRAZY LIKE A FOX award to Gavin Meier. Keep 'em guessing, Don.
😇 Mr. Nice Guy: Hall of Fame
Lloyd Gitler
Every year, I try to find something — anything — to roast one player about. A bad call. A complaint. A sideways glance. An unkind word. And every year, I come up empty. This man is, simply put, too nice for this league. He's too nice for most leagues. He's the kind of guy who apologizes when YOU hit HIM with a ball. Who compliments your serve after you double fault. Who probably helps old ladies cross the street on his way to the court. In a league full of trash talkers, revenge callers, and men who will aim for your spleen, he stands alone as a beacon of sportsmanship and human decency. For being so relentlessly pleasant that it's almost suspicious, I present this year's MR. NICE GUY: HALL OF FAME award to Lloyd Gitler. We don't deserve you, Lloyd.
🚗 The Hitchhiker
Connell Boyle
Sometimes, you need a sub. Last season, one player took his devotion to the league to new heights, texting the group and 5 individual players and texting Henvey for a ride to the court. We assume the call was from JT Carrington's, but this cannot be confirmed. He took the additional step of having his wife call the front desk at HIT. For his dedication to covering his slot, I am proud to honor Connell Boyle with this year's "HITCHHIKER" Award.
🤫 The Insider
Coach Al Kirchner
Everyone loves a good inside joke, but those of us on the outside can be puzzled by seemingly obscure references, wondering what the "OHara Preserve" might be. Who is the oft-cited "Morrie?" What does Jodie Foster have to do with anything? Only one man truly knows, and he doesn't care whether you get it or not… so this year's THE INSIDER award winner is none other than our beloved Coach.
💃 The Midnight Dancer
Salvatore Marino
Some men just take a trip or family vacation, come home, and return to their regular schedule. Others like to keep the league in the loop around their activities. Those activities may include European beachfront visits, tequila drinking, and other exploits, including the occasional David Guetta concert. Unfortunately, these come frequently and with bandwidth-hogging video content. This year's MIDNIGHT DANCER award goes to our friend Salvatore Marino.
🐟 The Charlie the Tuna
Salvatore Marino
You love to see a man give his all on the court and go the extra mile during a challenging point. You also secretly like to see a man doing that to the extent that he leaps, falls, and entangles himself in the net between courts, resembling a scene from Deadliest Catch. That player, who did this twice in a single game this season, is Sal Marino, this year's CHARLIE THE TUNA award recipient.
👻 The Snuffaluffagus
Joseph Bonventre
Is it possible for this man to show even less commitment to the league than last year? The player I am describing signed up for five sessions last year and missed three—not including all of the league social events. This year, the player managed to sign up for a single session. Predictably, he missed it and stranded three other players on the court playing with themselves. So, yes, this year's SNUFFALUFFAGUS goes once again to Joe Bonventre.
🥛 The Milk Carton
SuperRon Paradiso
Some guys like a quick break during the switch -- time to towel off, get some water, or talk about girl's lacrosse if your name is Sal. But one man continues to take his in-game breaks to a whole new level, sometimes leaving for 10-minute stretches at a time, exiting the building, and leaving his courtmates to wonder if they need to call missing persons. But, wherever he was, our MILK CARTON award winner always comes back happy -- and that man is SuperRon Paradiso.
🧢 Most MAGA
Mitch Rosenblatt
In today's challenging political environment, we avoid discussing politics at work, social, or sporting events -- preferring not to co-mingle politics with pleasure. Not this man. He'll use the group text to post unsolicited campaign news, policy, opinions, and Trump-themed memes -- with or without any context. That man is our MOST MAGA trophy winner, Mitchie "Pots and Pans" Rosenblatt.
🥄 The Golden Spoon
Anthony Centrella
Some battles start before the first can of balls is cracked on the court. The sauce of pre-game psychological tactics is a complicated recipe. Still, nobody stirs things up and gets under Sal Marino's skin more than this year's GOLDEN SPOON award winner for being the league's best shit-stirrer, Anthony Centrella. Keep stirring things up!
💥 The Spleen Hunter
Tom Henvey
I went to a tennis match, and a small-scale artillery skirmish broke out. That's funny until you are standing right up on the net during a second serve to this player. All tennis players know how physical a match can get and respect men's doubles as a sport that, while refined, can get a bit sporty on occasion. But this man truly treasures the violent aspect of the game and will use any opportunity to hit you as hard as possible with an overhand slam or 80 mph forehand. That man is me, but it's also our 2025 SPLEEN HUNTER Award winner, Tom Henvey.
🔥 The Superfreak
SuperRon
Some players like to share their passions for things other than tennis. For Mitch, it might be his wife's baked goods. For Adam, it's sports and collectibles. For Sal, it's girl's lacrosse. But one player likes to bring his passion for the ladies into the chat—often with highly sensual depictions of sapphic love. SuperRon, for keeping the testosterone level in the league this high, I award you the SUPERFREAK award.
⚡ Sir Subs-a-Lot
Connell Boyle
This might be the second time this player has won this very special award, which honors the player with the fastest response time to substitution requests. This man has a thirst for tennis -- especially free tennis, and can always help in a pinch -- and often just happens to stroll over from Total Tennis to fill a slot. Connell Boyle, thanks for being this year's SIR-SUBS-A-LOT.
🐕 The Cousin Spike
Adam Feldman
I read a lot of Charlie Brown cartoons as a kid. Snoopy had a cousin named Spike. Spike always seemed like he was three bong hits in. He was a little scruffy, and a little late, but always pretty happy to be there. Kind of like the Dude of his day. So this award is for the man who -- despite having at least two vehicles with sub 3-second 0-60 times, will always be at least 10 minutes late to every match. Congratulations, Adam Feldman, for the COUSIN SPIKE Award.
👞 The Shinebox
Lu Cortese
Some men tell you exactly how they feel. If you are this man's partner, his judgment can be delivered in long, uncomfortable silences with every shot you put into the net. For his competitors, an errant strike from a slam, or a filthy lob will earn derision and scorn. But sometimes, the silence can lead to danger. This year, I would like to pay homage to the player who will most likely tell a competitor to "go home and get his SHINEBOX," a good friend of ours, Lu Cortese.
🔄 Best Comeback
Gavin Meier
Here is a big shout-out to the player who has overcome some challenging physical issues, slowly came back into rehab games, and is now fully back in the mix. Yes, we've missed his athleticism, net play, and highly disturbing mumbles and giggles. So, COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR goes to our friend Gavin Meier. Congrats.
🩳 The Sandler
Cousin Sonny
There's a history of sartorial tradition in tennis, starting with Wimbelton's strict adherence to tennis whites. Even today, although fashion has changed, players bring sophisticated athletic looks to the court. Not this player. This player prefers oversized basketball shorts and attire that suggests more "3-on-3" halfcourt than fullcourt tennis doubles. That man is our 2022 Nicest Sweatpants award winner—and now the recipient of the 2024 SANDLER award, Cousin Sonny.
😊 Mr. Nice Guy
Lloyd Gitler
When you can't find anything negative to say about a tennis player -- and believe me, I have tried, you end up with the nicest guy on the court. This man is always friendly, a great partner, and an outstanding player- our 2024 MR NICE GUY award winner, Lloyd Gitler.
🔧 The Luddite
Doug Schmidt
The original Luddites were British weavers and textile workers who objected to the increased use of mechanized looms and knitting frames. A few desperate weavers began breaking into factories and smashing textile machines. They called themselves "Luddites" after Ned Ludd, a young apprentice rumored to have wrecked a textile apparatus in 1779, precisely the same year this player purchased his racket. To be fair, however, this player has now brought newer technology into his game -- a 1950's parabolic racquet inspired by the Space Mania of the time. Our 2024 LUDDITE award goes to none other than Doug Schmidt.
🎯 Best Technique
Rob Schetty
We all love to see a player with excellent fundamentals -- a solid backhand, strong forehand, the ability to place shots, and consistency in service. This player has it all -- including having more angles than a six-pointed star and the smoothest overhand I've ever seen. So this year's BEST TECHNIQUE award goes to Rob Schetty.
🐦 Feeding the Pigeons
SuperRon
After hard exertion, a man deserves a rest. It's nice to take a load off every once in a while. While most players take the occasional break between sets, this player takes things to a whole new level, treating the courtside bench like a scenic perch on the Champs de Elysee, turning a 4-3 score break into a mini-vacation. This year's FEEDING THE PIGEONS award goes to the man that made the court bench his bitch, SuperRon.
⚡ The Trigger Finger
Connell Boyle
I work in technology, where realtime interactions can happen in under 30 milliseconds. This is considered "realtime" -- faster than any human being can generate a response. However, this pales in comparison to the speed in which our 2024 TRIGGER FINGER Awardee answers a sub request on the group chat -- Connell Boyle.
🎙️ Color Man
Tom Henvey
Bob Costas, Marv Albert, Howard Cosell. When it comes to breaking down a play, these men stand alone for their analytical ability. Until now. Today, we recognize a new name in sports commentary. This player not only gives his all during each point, but also provides an in-depth analysis of his performance after every shot. That person is this season's COLOR MAN, Tom Henvey.
🎯 Pickiest Partner
Salvatore Marino
As Heroclitus teaches us, "you can never step in the same river twice." However, he never met this man, who carefully plans each match as thoroughly as a European vacation. This player maintains a blocklist of partners, is a frequent sidetext contributor to match matching, and considers himself the master of the schedule. He is this year's PICKIEST PARTNER, Salvatore Marino.
🚀 Deep Threat
Connell Boyle
In 1987, Joey Meyer of the Triple-A Denver Zephyrs launched a moonshot into the second deck of Mile High Stadium. City of Denver engineer Jerry Tennyson was able to verify the distance of the home run at 582 feet. We hold a great fascination with men who go the distance -- Dave Kingman, Babe Ruth, Mark McGuire, Andreas Gallarraga -- but have they ever hit a tennis ball 580 feet? This man has. Congratulations, Connell Boyle, this year's DEEP THREAT award recipient.
👻 The Snuffaluffagus
Joseph Bonventre
I recall reading The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison as a boy and being disappointed that the story was about race's societal impact on self-identification and not about a guy who could turn completely invisible to the eye. I wondered—does this skill exist? To be so hard to spot that one is, for all intents and purposes, invisible? The answer is yes, and the man who is our SNUFFALUFFAGUS award winner for being the least active player in the league is none other than Joseph Bonventre. Obviously, we award this in absentia as Joe is not here to receive his trophy.
🎸 The Legacy
Doug Schmidt
At our age, men often harken back to their youth and cherish the memories of their salad years. For some, it's the music of their youth. Others relive their memories by leafing through a photo album. For still others, it's collecting nostalgia from a bygone era, such as vintage cars. Not for this man. When he likes something, he sticks with it. That something is a 1990-era, oversized Wilson Prostaff racquet, and his solid, take-no-prisoners baseline game -- this year's LEGACY award winner is none other than Doug Schmidt.
⏰ Chuck Norris ("Missing in Action")
Adam Feldman
The LIRR. Construction Permits. Your Doctor. The $300 you owe your friend for concert tickets. These are things that are perpetually late. They are never on time. In fact, they are so reliably late you weirdly start counting on them. These things are just like this year's CHUCK NORRIS award winner, who is frequently "Missing in Action" for the first ten minutes of every match: Adam Feldman. He is missing in action tonight as well, so there you go.
🗑️ Oscar the Grouch
Sal Marino
Even though we all strive to improve our technical skills and game strategy, there is often a key part of the game that the average 3.0 player overlooks -- that of mental gamesmanship. I am reminded of great players like John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors, players who would stop at nothing to gain a competitive advantage. In this league, a well-timed "Whoo" and over-the-top celebration after a long point can prove to be devastating to the opposing team. So we celebrate this year's biggest trash talker with the OSCAR THE GROUCH award -- Sal Marino.
🌊 The Quiet Storm
Rob Schetty
Unlike Sal, certain players go about their business in a dignified manner, never raising their voice, creating impromptu celebrations, or chirping. They just play tennis and quietly mutter incomprehensible sentences throughout the match. This year's QUIET STORM winner is none other than Rob Schetty, an inspiration to us all.
👨🍳 The Gourmet
Mitch Rosenblatt
This league player distinguishes himself not only for his play, but his deep appreciation for cuisine, especially Asian food. At center court, he is just as likely to trade recipes as he is volleys. That man is this year's GOURMET award winner, Mitch Rosenblatt.
✈️ The Frequent Flyer
Bob Calabretta
I am happy to report that we have a new winner in this category, and I am happy to personally pass the torch for this years leader in racquet throws—the FREQUENT FLYER award — to my good friend Bob Calabretta. Congrats, Bob.
💪 Biggest Tennis Whore
Tom Henvey
This year, I am very excited to announce a repeat winner. Last year, this man led the league in overall sessions played, and this year he is on track to come in at #1 again. This man is so active in the League that he is actually his own sub -- the BIGGEST TENNIS WHORE and hardest charger, our friend Tom Henvey.
🥇 The Golden Racquet
SuperRon
This award goes to the player who went out of his way to help the league in it's need. While our friend Connell gets the name, there is another player who works the sub list like no other -- racking up an impressive 9 substitutions, far exceeding the 7 paid sessions he signed up for. That's this year's friend of the league and GOLDEN RAQUET award winner, SuperRon.
🤠 Quick Draw McGraw
Gavin Meier
And here is yet another repeat winner from last year. Rather than undergoing some introspection and taking the hint from last year's award, this man actually doubled down on his behavior, serving like a human ball machine and delivering 2024's most unexpected serve -- this year's QUICK DRAW MCGRAW winner, Gavin Meier!
⚾ The Kent Tekulve
Cousin Sonny
Hideo Nomo was one of the most intimidating pitchers to ever take the mound. His signature windup was called the "Tornado" -- characterized by a full body turn away from the batter before delivering the pitch. Another pitcher with an unorthodox delivery was Kent Tekulve, whose submarine style and delivery angle could throw off batters. This year's KENT TEKULVE award winner for the most intimidating serve motion is none other than Cousin Sonny.
🍔 The Hamburglar
Sal Marino
Almost as disconcerting as Cousin Sonny's windup is watching this right handed player leap into the middle of the net, switch his racquet to his left hand, and poach a return. For some reason this move looks exactly like the McDonalds character the hamburglar trying to steal a Quarter Pounder from an unsuspecting child. This years HAMBURGLAR award for the best lefty poach goes to Sal Marino.
🥩 Bone in Ribeye
Coach
Coach never shows up for Awards night because he is usually at the Palm crushing a prime steak. This is his obligatory BONE IN RIBEYE award.
👖 Nicest Sweatpants
Cousin Sonny & Sal Marino
This was a hotly contested category this year, after Marino's famed garbardine sweatpants make an undeniable on-court statement last season. Suddenly, there was a new sartorial threat on Court 4, when we saw Cousin Sonny effortlessly bring a strong sweatpants game to the league and dominate all comers with his preference for full-length leg coverings. Usually we would have one winner, but our new world of Equity demands that we award the key category of NICEST SWEATPANTS to two winners: Cousin Sonny AND Salvatore Marino. Congratulations to you both.
👟 Greenest Shoes
Coach
From the original Air Jordans to Reebok Pumps to today's Yeezy, the intersection of sports and fashion has long created legendary moments. But for some men, these shoes were just not colorful enough. One man decided to make a bold footwear statement on the court this season, and make the court his runway. That man is Coach, and he has earned the GREENEST SHOES award.
👔 Best Dressed
Salvatore Marino
As the brother said on his way to his vasectomy, "If I'm going to be impotent, I gotta look impotent." Nobody embodies this sartorial spirit more fully than one League Player, who takes the time to put on a collared shirt for every match. That man is in our midst, and I am delighted to see him elevate the League's appearance every time he steps onto the court. Gentlemen, I give you the 2023 BEST DRESSED award winner, Salvatore Marino.
🎾 Largest Racquet
Doug Schmidt
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man shares two things in common with this key award category--to win, you have to be extremely large, and from the 1980s. In this spirit, I am honored to award our good friend Doug Schmidt with the LARGEST RACQUET AWARD, for possessing a racquet of immeasurable girth, headsize and overall heft. May you continue to wield it well, Doug.
🎾🎾 Most Racquets
Chris OHara
Sometimes, size isn't everything -- it's about numbers. Especially when on-court events threaten the structural integrity of a racquet. There is one man who believes deeply in redundancy and is also the player most in need of an extra racquet, and that man is me -- the winner of the MOST RACQUETS award.
💪 Hard Charger
Tom Henvey
There are tennis bums, and then there are tennis whores -- men so dedicated to the sport that they take 40 of 42 available sessions, and come to every match with not only a thirst for victory, but the desire to rupture a man's spleen. We call these men "hard chargers," and I am pleased to award this year's HARD CHARGER trophy to Tommy "The Hammer" Henvey.
🔄 Sir Subs-A-Lot
Joe Bonventre
On the other side of the equation are men who sign up for a remarkably low amount of sessions, and show up for even fewer -- men for whom the strategic substitution is as much a part of their game as a well-placed volley. For us, that man is Joe Bonventre, who wins this year's SIR-SUBS-A-LOT award. Joe could not be here tonight, but I will accept his award in absentia.
🥩 The Porterhouse
Coach
Sometimes a man misses a match for a legitimate reason, however. That reason is usually the Palm restaurant, where tonight's PORTERHOUSE AWARD recipient was during several missing match appearances. Congratulations, Coach.
💬 The Chatty Cathy
Jason Grossman
This was a very tough decision this year. For many, the social aspect of the game is as important as the sport itself -- an endless opportunity to discuss youth sports, lacrosse, high school coaching tactics, and generally shoot the breeze about hyperlocal politics and events. For the man that can make ad-out stretch out to the length of a cocktail party, I am pleased to award this year's CHATTY CATHY AWARD to Jason Grossman.
🗣️ Biggest Shit Talker
Sal Marino
In competitive sports, there will always be the aspect of getting a mental advantage, and the game is littered with players like McEnroe and Kyrigos who frequently use chirping to throw off their opponents. But when it comes to chirping, early calls, underhanded compliments, and over the top on-court celebrations, I believe we are in a new era of excellence led by this years BIGGEST SHIT TALKER AWARD winner, Sal Marino.
😐 Most Enthusiastic
Paul Luparello
Some guys love playing tennis so much, you can feel the energy and excitement in their eyes the minute they step onto the court. Paul Luparello is not one of those guys. Congratulations, Paul on receiving the 2023 MOST ENTHUSIASTIC AWARD. Paul is not here obviously.
⚡ Most Unexpected Serve
Gavin Meier
Doc Holiday, Wild Bill Hickok, The Man With No Name. These are the storied legends of the old West that were fastest on the draw, and used their preternatural speed as an advantage. On Court One, we have a man that will have his second serve in your box before his first serve finishes bouncing. Congratulations Gavin Meier on being this year's winner for MOST UNEXPECTED SERVE.
🏈 I-Formation
Connell Boyle
The Pro Set. The Wildcat. The Single Wing. We know these as common football formations. But we never expected to see tactics such as these brought to the table in Men's Doubles. This year we witnessed history the on the court with the first tennis version of the I-Formation, where you line up behind your partner at the net. A crafty singles veteran, our 2023 I-FORMATION WINNER, Connell Boyle, is recognized for bringing cross-sport strategy to the league, and also practicing his tackling skills on Sal Marino, which we appreciate. Thank you, Connell.
🐾 Softest Paws
Coach
Never short of an dog-related analogy, this year's netplay award winner excels at soft-touch volleys, gentle lobs, and can bat away a Henvey rocket with an uncanny nonchalance. This year's SOFTEST PAWS AWARD goes to none other than COACH.
⭐ Rookie of the Year
CJ
From his blazing fast serve and dexterity to his blazing speed and ability to chase down every ball, this year's ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARD winner exemplifies what a man with unlimited time, a generous allowance, and a 40-year age difference can do on a doubles court. Congratulations, CJ.
📋 Best In-Game Tips
Bob Calabretta
Let's face it, sometimes we can all use some advice. Where to line up on the court, how to address a backhand, the way to set up at the net for a certain player. Sometimes we feel alone in the world, with nobody to guide us. But sometimes we are blessed to partner with this year's BEST IN GAME TIPS AWARD winner, Bob Calabretta, who has strategized his way to many victories in 2023. Keep em coming Bobby.
